The one question people ask me almost on a daily basis is why did you stop drinking?
Apart from losing my family, every job I’d ever had, every home I’d ever tried to establish, every relationship I had been in and being on the verge of insanity, I would have to say that the one thing, the final straw was realising that I had lost myself.
I hadn’t really known myself since being a boy of 7 years old when I lost my innocence.
When I looked back on my life I saw a happy child with a happy heart but at the end of my drinking career I was soulless. Nothing, no matter what I tried could make me feel that happiness. It was at this point as I sat in my run down bedsit; a thirty year old man, lost, lonely and unhappy. It was at time point I realised I was at a turning point in my life. I could either carry on living a miserable, unproductive existence or I could seize the day and do something about it. This was when I realised that without happiness, without self-worth, without that feeling of being at one with myself, without being able to look in the mirror and feel happy with what was looking back, life wasn’t worth living and I wasn’t ready to die yet.
I wanted to live; I wanted to lead a productive, happy life. No longer having to cast my mind to the past to achieve my happiness but instead wake up on a daily basis with a feeling of self-worth, a feeling that I belonged, a feeling of being able to contribute to this world instead of always taking out.
Happiness; a deep seeded happiness is what I craved and so my journey in sobriety began.
Without happiness, without self-worth, without that feeling of belonging – life is not life, it is survival and I don’t want to survive, I want to live and have that feeling of being alive and enjoy it.
That is why I stopped drinking.