I have had many days like this, I hate these days, the burden is to heavy,
My heart is deflated, my soul feels worn out, and my knees are closer to the ground than they’ve ever been. I am sitting with my back bent over carrying the burden of the world on my shoulders.
Worry seeps through every vein in my body, my bones ache with every burden that darkens my mind.
I’m trapped in a maze and every time I turn each corner to what I believe is the way out I end up back at the centre with more troubles than when I left.
Every new answer creates a new ever-expanding circle of confusion, a never-ending spiral of sadness that runs deep into the very essence of my life.
I’m shrouded in a deep misery of what my mind tells me is my own doing and this is something I do not want to believe…But it is true…
The weights, worries and the burdens are the result of endless mistakes, mistakes I try to glean knowledge from in my search for the meaning to my existence but it seems relentless, pointless even, and brings nothing but deep seeded sadness.
My spirit is burning dim like the last light of a candle, the flame flickers small but the darkness of the shadow cast is black.
The memory of the man before who strode with pride in every step and his head held high is but a distant one replaced by the feeling of being a near crippled man hiding under the black cloak of failure, hobbling along the path of life.
False happiness and a painted smiles are the shields I cling to in hope they will hold back the slashing sword of inner pain that haunts me, but they do not.
I am tired, the darkness I once hated so much has become my only friend. When I am sat in the silky silent blackness of the dark no one can see in and I can not see out, and eerily I’m comforted by my lack of self-worth.
Sometimes when the light seeps in it allows me to look out, but all I see are the failures and the heartbreak of the past, the light becomes the pain and once again I crawl back into the darkness, knowing that is where I can not fail.
In the blackness nothing matters, there are no consequences, just stillness, quiet, un-soulful stillness that holds no aspirations, no ambitions, no goals and no failure.
The blackness becomes safety where no mistakes can be made and no souls can be destroyed.
Like a white dot on a satin black cloth fading into eternity…
That is how I felt when I was depressed….